Does this make me a bad person?

My husband and I were out shopping today, hitting up some of the great Memorial day weekend sales. Some of the items that we needed to check off of our list were some baby clothes for my brother in law and his wife. That whole story deserves its own blog post but here is the jist of it..

My brother in law knocked up his girlfriend (now wife) after they had been dating for about a month, he is 23 she is 19 and is due in July. She doesn't work, although she should since they are struggling very hard financially and he works two jobs. She has a son from a previous relationship who basically lives with her grandparents because she says it's too hard to take care of him while she is pregnant. I love my brother in law, not very happy about his choice of wife but it is his choice, not ours.

So here is where my post's title comes into play... while we were out shopping for baby clothes I found myself not wanting to buy them things, especially stuff that I would want to buy for my baby (which I don't have yet) and when they talk about the baby I can't help but get bitter and jealous. So does it make me a bad person for not wanting them to be able to bring a life into this world when they clearly can't afford it and initially didn't want it? Does it make me a bad person for really only caring about the well being of the baby and that being the sole purpose of buying them things that they need? I don't know how to get over this negativity that I feel when I think about their situation... how they can go and get knocked up and be supported by my tax dollars but my husband and I have to spend a lot of time, money and sanity to try and make our dream of a family come true.

The dreaded Two week wait.

Well, I am officially on day 4 of my two week wait and this one is the hardest yet. I have been having weird symptoms the last couple of days, most likely from the meds I was on at the beginning of my cycle. I am having a hard time finding the balance between staying positive and not getting my hopes up. I have a really good feeling about this cycle but I don't want to get crushed if it didn't happen. I also have found it interesting that my husband is having a harder time emotionally with this cycle than he has had before, usually he seems pretty unplugged from things. It's kind of nice to know that he is effected by all of this too.

How do you handle the tww and the emotions that go along with it?

our 4th and hopefull last IUI!

I went in yesterday morning for my 4th IUI and it went amazingly well. My first 2 had been slightly painful and my 3rd was torture due to the use of a tenaculum so I was beyond anxious when we got to the Dr's office. Since it was Sunday we were in the care of the Dr. on call who was not my normal Dr. she helped me relax and got the catheter in on the first try, I didn't even feel it! She told me "ok, we are all done" and I said "with what? the whole thing?!" haha, it was fantastic! I walked out of the office and was able to function totally normally for the first time which was great since yesterday was also my brother in law's graduation from seminary which we had to attend in the afternoon.

I am very optimistic, although trying not to get my hopes up too high, because things have so far worked out so perfectly this cycle... from my egg quality to the fact that the insemination happened at a perfect time of day for us and on a weekend so that we didn't have to deal with work schedules and NO PAIN!

Will keep everyone posted!

a LONG day...

Went into the Dr. for a follicle scan yesterday at 11:30 had two measuring 21mm and 24mm and one 18mm, the I had to wait til 1 pm to meet with the Dr. She decided to trigger me yesterday afternoon. So after my 1pm appt I had to wait until 3pm to pick up my shot at the pharmacy and then go back to the Dr. It was a much longer day than I planned but was worth it. I will go in on Sunday for my IUI and I have a great feeling about this one!

seems like everyone else is getting pregnant.

Just found out that one of our friends who is also my husbands co worker is pregnant with her 3rd child. My husbands sister in law is also expecting as well as two other co workers and a co worker whose wife just gave birth a few days ago. I'm really trying to stay positive and be happy for everyone but it's really hard... honestly I'm super jealous and a little bitter. It was bad enough when we found out that my husbands brother had knocked up his girlfriend of about a month (now his wife) she already has 1 kid, they are on food stamps and can barely afford to live but feel like they are ready and capable of bringing another life into this world. His co worker who just announced her pregnancy is in a similar boat, not on welfare or anything but they were struggling bad with the two kids they had. It really pisses me off that my husband and I can provide a great life for a child but we aren't having any luck and we are having to spend A LOT of money to try and have a baby where as other people in our life can just go and do it whether they should or not.

ugh, I'm done whining... just had to get it out.

a re accuring dream

I have my first folicle scan since I started Clomid scheduled for Friday, I'm a little nervous to see how the meds have worked and I'm hoping that they haven't worked too well or they will cancel my IUI. I think all of this has my brain doing wacky things, I keep having this dream that I find out I'm pregnant with triplets. My husband keeps having the same dream, which I call a nightmare because in his dream they are triplet boys. We would love to have twins because that would be an instant family, especially if we were lucky enough to have a boy/girl set but I am not up for having more than two at one time.

interesting info from a friend

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine and the topic of fertility treatments came up and she said that her Dr. had told her that Ibuprofin can actually prohibit eggs from emplanting correctly. I googled this and found a bunch of articles that said the exact same thing! who knew! I don't typically take advil except during my pregnancy but now will be switching to tylenol.

Has anyone else heard about this?

on the war path...

So I just took my last dose of Clomid yesterday, Overall I didn't have many side effects except for a hot flash or two and the mood swings. Those mood swings caught me totally off guard, it was like I would just snap into bitch mode! I feel bad for my husband apparently the 3rd night on Clomid I cursed him out because he brought his computer to bed and the light from the screen was keeping me up, I have no memory of this occurring but it was a funny story. I told him that this is what he has to deal with because he doesn't have to go thru all of the physical stuff related to getting pregnant and being pregnant.

finally getting somewhere...

I had a great Dr's appointment yesterday afternoon. Went in for a CD3 follicle scan and everything looked good, no cysts. Met with my Dr. and voiced my concern with not ovulating last month and being 6 days late this month and told her that we were not on board with just trying naturally again. She put me on 50mg Clomid for 5 days, I will go in for my first scan on CD12 to see how everything is looking. She did warn me though that if my body goes crazy and produces more than 3 follicles that she will cancel the cycle, I told her that if should wouldn't cancel it in that situation that I would be worried about her ethics as a Dr.

I took my first dose last night and felt a little weird but who knows if that was the medication or something else. I feel much more positive about things now hoping that Clomid will give me that extra boost to get pregnant.

My fertility experience so far...

Like I said in my intro post, my husband and I started the process of TTC via IUI about 6 months ago. Since I just started this blog I feel like I should post what I have gone through so far in this process.

We have gone through 3 cycles of natural IUI (unmedicated with no monitoring), my Dr. said that she didn't think meds were necessary since I'm still considered young and am very regular. After the 3rd unsuccessful IUI I had an HSG test done which came back normal, a follicle scan which also came back normal and a progesterone test which came back low. I had the progesterone test 2 weeks ago, and because of the low level and the fact that I surged 2 days later than I normally have been my Dr. things that I didn't ovulate. I was also almost a week late starting this current cycle (CD3 today) I'm scheduled to go in this afternoon for another follicle scan.

A little about my first 3 IUI's...

IUI #1 was more painful than I expected, I got a HUGE cramp when they inserted the catheter and felt crummy for a couple of hours. I was pretty sure it wouldn't take since I haven't heard of anyone who has gotten pregnant off of their first IUI, especially a natural one. I was surprised by how upset I was when I got a BFN 11 days later.

IUI #2 went really smoothly, almost no discomfort at all... I totally over analyzed this cycle though and was convinced that I was pregnant so once again I was really upset when I got another BFN.

IUI #3 made me question if I could do this again, my Dr. had to use a tenaculum which I think was designed by Satan himself. That was a kind of pain that I have NEVER experienced in my life, I don't think I could have gotten through it without my husband.. he let me squeeze the life out of his hand and wiped away my tears. I was pretty much out of commission for the rest of the day after that IUI. When I got the BFN and then my period the next day I had a little bit of a meltdown. My husband and I agreed that we wouldn't try another cycle til I had some testing done (this is what we are in the process of doing now)

I have been doing a lot of reading since I went into the Dr. after my 3rd attempt and am now a little concerned that more wasn't done to check my fertility before we started this process, especially since the cost involved with donor sperm is quite high. Luckily so far most of our medical costs have been covered by insurance. As I said before, we are going into the Dr. today for another follicle scan and then to meet with the Dr. I am going in prepared with a bunch of questions and we plan to tell her that we are looking to become more aggressive with our treatments. If she is not on board then we are also prepared to seek a second opinion on what can be done for us. I am actually looking forward today and hoping to get some answers!

A little about me.

First I would like to say that this is my first attempt at blogging so please bear with me! My husband suggested that I might want to try blogging to be able to get all of my feelings out in a neutral and fairly anonymous way.

I figure I should start by telling a little about myself... I am in my late 20's and live in Texas. I will be keeping this blog as anonymous as possible for the time being due to my husband and my situation and because you never know who will stumble upon this.

My husband and I have been trying for the past 6 months to fulfill our dream of having children, my husband is unable to produce sperm so we are using a donor and going though IUI (more to come on this later). I knew when I met him that he was unable to have biological children so having to start fertility treatments was something I was prepared for since we started talking about having kids, I was not however prepared for the roller coaster of a journey that is the infertility process. This blog is specifically about my journey and is the outlet that up until now I did not have.

I hope you enjoy reading!