and back to it!

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I went to the Dr. yesterday for a scan to make sure I was cyst free since starting my period, my last 3 cycles I had a cyst so I went in prepared to have to delay beginning this next round of IUI for 2 weeks but low and behold I WAS cyst free!!!

I'm starting my Femara tonight and after a lot of discussion we have decided to do a double insemination this round. It will use up the last of our donor sperm and if it doesn't work this time we will be switching donors. I'm a little anxious for this round since there is a lot at stake, it realistically could be our last cycle for a while if it doesn't work. We have pretty much depleted the money that we saved up for this purpose, not thinking it would take this long to conceive, so we will probably be waiting 6 months or so to recoup the funds if this time doesn't take.

Wish us luck!

was not proven wrong.

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As I'm sure you can guess since I haven't posted any fantastic news, that my official pregnancy test came back negative. To top off that fabulous news I started today AND am sick! Hopefully I will  be feeling better by tomorrow so that I can go for a scan and hopefully be cyst free and able to jump right in to our next cycle.

hoping to be proven wrong.

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I went to the Dr. this morning to get my blood drawn for my official pregnancy test. Now to wait. I am not very optimistic that I will be proven wrong since I took a HPT again yesterday and it too was negative, but I guess there is always a chance right?

Not the answer I was hoping for.

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My husband and I decided to take a HPT tonight cause we really didn't want to have to wait til Monday to find out if we were pregnant. I am day 14PIUI (post IUI) and our test came back negative, not even a hint of a second line.

I really don't know what to think or where to go from here but the husband is holding out hope that it's still too soon, I can't say I'm as optimistic. 5 failed IUI's and no incorrect HPT's yet. Guess we will see what Monday brings.

is something in the water?

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It's truly bittersweet to hear that so many of my friends and acquaintances are pregnant. While I am genuinely happy for them I can't help but feel a little jealous but also hopeful that on Monday I will get a positive test result. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant or just had babies, I'm sure this is just exacerbated by the fact that I have yet to be successful but it still seems like something is in everyone elses water and that I need to drink some!

One week to go!

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It's been just over a week and so far I haven't gone too crazy, one more week to go then we get an answer! Now we are just trying to decide if we want to take a HPT before going to the Dr's for bloodwork.

soooooo gross!

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So today I started my progesterone suppositories and ugh, I can only imagine this must be what it feels like when people use that monistat stuff for yeast infections. Luckily I did my research and learned that panty liners are the way to go but that being said, they make it no less gross! I have to call the Dr. tomorrow to figure out how long I have to use these for, I didn't pay attention on Saturday and missed that instruction apparently.

Other than that I feel great and have been reminding myself to drink tons of water, something I struggle with while I'm home (though I have no problem drinking 4 glasses or more when out at dinner somewhere!).

Let the TWW commence!

Today is the day!

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Started cramping early, early this morning and still feeling it thanks to the trigger shot, going to the Dr. in about an hour for our IUI! Feels like it's been a long road, though very short and easy in comparison to many others and I am very thankful for that. I'm ready to see if this time around works.

Wish me luck!

Saturday is the day!

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Went to the Dr. again today for my final scan and recieved my trigger shot so Saturday morning will be the day! *crossing fingers*
Dr. Also said he thought he saw what could be a small polyp on my scan today, he wasn't too worried about it but said that if this cycle didn't work that he would definitely reccomend looking at it more closely and seeing if it needs to be removed. Hopefully we wont have to worry about it.

almost there!

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Went to the Dr. today for another scan. Had 4 follicles on the right side! Only 2 were really mature but Dr. is hoping for 1 more. Waiting for them to call me about my hormone levels that they took this morning and then we will see if I will trigger today or wait another day or two. So excited to see if this time around works!

Holy hormones Batman!

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Wow... today has been an emotional day for no reason whatsoever. I have felt like bursting into tears all day long for no real reason. Missing my sister, sappy movie trailers, moments for no reason!

Hopefully this ends soon!

Is it a sign?

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Funny thing happened the other night...my DH took me out for sushi at our usual place and when the bill came I cracked up! The pen that came along with the bill was for none other than my OB/GYN's office! HAHA... is it a sign? Probably not but gave me a good laugh anyhow!

First Appointment since starting meds.

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Went in this morning for my first check up since starting Femara and Gonal-F, things looked good, still early as I expected. My lining needs to become a little thicker and I had 1 follicle at 12mm and 3 more around 10mm which will hopefully catch up to the big one. Going to continue on meds for at least a couple more days and probably see the Dr. again on Wed. or Thurs! Hopefully then it will be time to trigger *crossing fingers*

I feel great this cycle, so far haven't really had any side effects from the injectables and NONE from Femara which is great! Can't wait to see what the next few weeks have in store, hopefully something good.

I did it!

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I successfully gave myself my first injection last night! It wasn't a big deal at all and I hardly even felt it. I am feeling a little strange today, tired, a little crampy and have a slight headache. Not sure if this is due to the Gonal-F, Femara or something else.

I also created a Twitter account the other day, feel free to follow me! lifelongdream29

nervous about tonight.

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I start taking my Gonal-F injections tonight and I'm a little nervous, I was feeling really good about it when I went into the doctors for injection training but now I'm starting to doubt my ability to give myself the shots. Hopefully my husband will be able to do it if I find that I chicken out.

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Day 3 on Femara and I'm feeling good! No crappy side effects like I got on Clomid, I have been feeling a little tired but that probably has nothing to do with the medication. I start my injections tomorrow night and I'm a little nervous, at least the needle is small.

So far so good and feeling great about everything.

an exciting day...

Today I started my medication for this next cycle, feels great since I had a 2.5 month unexpected delay to starting this cycle.

Hopefully things will go smoothly and in a few weeks I will have good news to report.

one of these days I will learn.

One of these days I will learn that I cannot plan ANYTHING or count on ANYTHING to go the way I want it to in regards to my treatment.  One day I will learn this and therefore avoid the surprise, frustration, resentment and disappointment that comes with being ill prepared.

A little back story.... those of you who read this know that about a month ago we switched to an RE from my OB/GYN. On my last cycle with my OB/GYN I developed a cyst on my right ovary as a side effect of Clomid. She said it should be a one time thing since I had never had a problem with cysts before. The cyst went away later that month. Shortly after switching Dr's my husband and I went on vacation (before we could do a cycle) my RE suggested that I start birth control pills while on vacation so that I was ready to go when we get back and pretty much guaranteed to not have a cyst. I said no because I have never been on bc before and the idea of regulating my already very regular cycles scared me.

back to present time...

yesterday I had my cd3 baseline scan to make sure I was ready to start all of my meds and do our 5th insemination. My right ovary looked great, in a resting state just as my Dr. wanted..... then there was my left.... I have a fluid filled cyst measuring 28x19mm. Almost twice the size that is safe to begin treatment with. So as if in an "I told you so" moment I am now on bc pills for 2 weeks to get the cyst to at least shrink but hopefully go away entirely. Hopefully in two weeks I will be able to start my meds and get this train rolling out of the station but I'm trying not to let myself get too confident about that happening so that the universe doesn't feel the need to remind me again.

It's been a while...

wow, I haven't been on here in a while... Not to much has been going on. We went on vacation which was nice and now we are finally getting ready to begin our 5th cycle, our 1st cycle with our RE. I called today and ordered all of my meds so now it's really starting to feel real.

I'm really hoping that this is it and we will get the healthy little bundle of joy that we have been wanting so badly.

Lot's going on.

I had my first appointment today with the RE that we chose, went in for some blood tests and a follicle scan. He said that I had poly cycstic ovaries but NOT PCOS Thank god! Just that my ovaries produce more follicles than the average woman so he is going to have be a little more conservative with the stimulation so that I don't create too many follicles. We won't be going forward with this cycle because we are getting ready to go on vacation but it's on in August!

In other news... Our niece was born on Wed. night, she is 5lbs 12 ounces but totally healthy which we were concerned about. We are going to meet her next weekend. We also found out that 3 other people that we are fairly close to are pregnant. Hopefully it's in the water and I can get some of it LOL.

Other than that we haven't had a whole lot going on just enjoying the time that I had not counting my cycle days.

another one...

yesterday another one of our couple friends told us that they were 13 weeks pregnant. I'm so excited and happy for them because they have been wanting this for a long time but it's still hard to see so many people around us getting pregnant. I know it will happen for us and I have been in a much more positive state lately.

Also, pending our insurance coverage, we have decided to go the injectable route with single IUI's. The Dr. wants to do a double but since we don't have the luxury of free sperm we just can't afford it and all of the reading i have done has said that a well timed single IUI is just as effective as a double.

2nd RE consultation

On Wed. we had our 2nd RE consultation, it was really nice to have the two appointments only a day apart so that we could compare the two with fresh minds.The people at the second place were super nice and very welcoming, which I liked. They had really high tech exam rooms with plasmas on the ceiling so that I could watch my ultrasound while just laying back and relaxing. They wanted to basically continue on with the same protocol as my OB/GYN (clomid and single IUI). Both of these appointments couldn't be more different which makes this decision that much harder. The one thing that i really did not like about the second place is that their main office is based about 1.5hrs south of us and the one in our city is just a satellite office where the Dr's are only there 1-2 days a week, also because they have 3 different Dr's you don't know who will be at the office when so it's typical that you don't really ever see the same Dr. two times in a row. I think for that reason we are taking them out of the running. Now the decision is whether to go with the first guy or to search out a 3rd opinion.

Lots to think about, mainly how aggressive we want to get right now. I'm also waiting on a call back from the mail order pharmacy to see how much the arsenal of drugs will cost us each month if we go the injectable route.

First meeting with Reproductive Endocrynologist

My husband and I went this afternoon to meet with our first of two RE consultations. I don't think I was prepared for how overwhelming it would be, we had so much information thrown at us and this guy talked a mile a minute but was very nice. Being that we have gone thru 4 cycles already he wants to take a very aggressive approach which on one hand I agree with but on the other hand I'm a little nervous about the injectable medication and the side effects and cost involved. It's going to at least triple the cost vs going thru our past cycles with my OB/GYN.

I'm excited for our next consultation so that we can compare the two doctors and treatment paths and all of that. Looks like we will have to make a decision by August since we will be on vacation during my cycle in July.

can beggars still be choosers??

In one of my previous posts I think I mentioned about my husbands brother and his wife expecting a baby this summer and how they are less than prepared and able (financially) to have this child. My husband and I have bought a bunch of clothes for the baby and from the beginning planned on getting them the swing that they wanted as well as the matching bouncy seat. Being that we aren't made of money and want to get them as much stuff as possible to help ease their burden we talked about buying the swing gently used. They wanted a new one.... so today I was in our local secondhand baby store which sells REALLY nice stuff! Low and behold they had the swing... it was super clean, looks barely used (aside from the cloth looking like it had been run thru the wash) I could see any wear and tear anywhere else. So we bought it and are planning on giving it to them when the baby is born and we go visit (they do not live in our city). We haven't said anything about it being used, not sure if we will. I just think that it's a little ungrateful for them to want us to buy this big ticket item brand new and then not be able to buy them much else vs. getting is used and being able to get a few packs of diaper and formula too. Oh, and constantly being asked when we are going to buy it also seems pretty tacky to me.

plugging along

I think I have started to come to terms with having to take 2 months off from trying, I know my body as well as my mind probably need it and I haven't cried about it in a few days so that's always a good sign.

My husband is super stressed at work right now so I think that this break will be good for both of us. I'm also looking to vacation in about a month, also much needed.

I figured I would post a quick update and post a much more extensive one after we have our first appointment with the RE.

taking the next steps...

So after getting the news about my cyst on Tuesday my husband and I sat down and talked a lot and it was a great conversation. We decided that we wanted to get a second opinion on what our next steps should be.

My old boss had referred me to her fertility Dr. who's practice is supposed to be one of the best in the city... because of how highly she spoke of him I put him at the top of my list but it's interesting how things work out. I called his office yesterday and left a message about getting a consult, I didn't hear anything from them. I also emailed a couple of other practices who were supposed to be really good as well. As of this morning I still hadn't heard anything from my #1 pick so I called again and left another message... still nothing. One of the other practices (my #2 pick) called me earlier today and the lady was so nice, she answered all my questions and emailed me a book of paperwork to fill out. So when I got home after making the consultation appt with my #2 choice I got on the computer and started looking up reviews of both practices and wow, I think things just automatically work out the way they are supposed to... my #1 choice got some terrible reviews and I couldn't find more than 2 negative reviews about my 2nd choice. Needless to say I think at this point if my #1 place ever calls me back I will hold off on going there for a consultation.

My only concern going into this is how much more it's going to cost me vs. going to my OB/GYN who is really reasonable priced. I'm hoping it wont cost us a whole lot more, I guess we will find that out in a few days.

and the good news just keeps coming... NOT!!!

well, my cycle started yesterday so I went into the Dr. to get a follicle scan and formulate our game plan for this new cycle. During my scan they found a cyst on one of my ovaries which is large enough that they decided to cancel this cycle. We will also have to skip next month as well due to vacation, unless my body totally changes something and I start really early or late.

I'm having a really hard time remaining positive and just rolling with the punches. My husband and I had a really long talk last night and he reminded me that I need to keep the big picture in mind and not focus on the day to day stuff (easier said than done but I will try). We made the decision to go see a specialist instead of my OB/GYN who has been doing my inseminations, so I'm sitting here typing this and waiting for a call back to get my questions answered and hopefully get an appointment.

I feel like if nothing else I have learned a lot.

the roller coaster continues...

I called the Dr. today to let her know that I had gotten two negative pregnancy tests, one on Friday and one on Sunday (both were done AFTER the time they told me to wait to test). She told me it was too early to know and that I needed to wait a few days and test again! So after my meltdown this weekend there still might be a chance I'm pregnant? The pregnancy tests haven't been wrong before and I always test in the same window that I did this time around so I don't see why all of a sudden it's too soon. Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up... I'm assuming the tests were right and if it turns out that the tests were wrong then fantastic but I'm not counting on it.

devastated.

I tested last night and I'm sure from the title you can guess the results. This was IUI #4 and the best cycle so far, in fact seemed like as close to a perfect cycle as we could get. My husband is still holding out hope that we tested to early (cd 13) and it was wrong, I admire his optimism but we have tested earlier each cycle previously (as early as cd 10) and the tests haven't been wrong so I'm having a hard time believing that this one could be anything but right.

I was so hopeful that this one would work, we used clomid, we triggered ovulation, I felt the signs of ovulating when we went in for the insemination, we had a completely painless and fantastic IUI... if this one didn't work then what's wrong! I want this so bad and it is getting harder and harder each cycle to not completely loose it when I see that negative test.

I just don't know what to do.

something is definitley different this time around.

I'm reaching the end of my tww and I feel really different than I have every other cycle. Typically I haven't felt anything out of the ordinary but this time, within the last day or two I have been getting tired a lot quicker than I typically do and over all I just feel different.

I'm hesitant to think that this means I may be pregnant since I have gotten my hopes up before and been crushed but I'm still holding out hope and getting nervous for Saturday when I test.

Does this make me a bad person?

My husband and I were out shopping today, hitting up some of the great Memorial day weekend sales. Some of the items that we needed to check off of our list were some baby clothes for my brother in law and his wife. That whole story deserves its own blog post but here is the jist of it..

My brother in law knocked up his girlfriend (now wife) after they had been dating for about a month, he is 23 she is 19 and is due in July. She doesn't work, although she should since they are struggling very hard financially and he works two jobs. She has a son from a previous relationship who basically lives with her grandparents because she says it's too hard to take care of him while she is pregnant. I love my brother in law, not very happy about his choice of wife but it is his choice, not ours.

So here is where my post's title comes into play... while we were out shopping for baby clothes I found myself not wanting to buy them things, especially stuff that I would want to buy for my baby (which I don't have yet) and when they talk about the baby I can't help but get bitter and jealous. So does it make me a bad person for not wanting them to be able to bring a life into this world when they clearly can't afford it and initially didn't want it? Does it make me a bad person for really only caring about the well being of the baby and that being the sole purpose of buying them things that they need? I don't know how to get over this negativity that I feel when I think about their situation... how they can go and get knocked up and be supported by my tax dollars but my husband and I have to spend a lot of time, money and sanity to try and make our dream of a family come true.

The dreaded Two week wait.

Well, I am officially on day 4 of my two week wait and this one is the hardest yet. I have been having weird symptoms the last couple of days, most likely from the meds I was on at the beginning of my cycle. I am having a hard time finding the balance between staying positive and not getting my hopes up. I have a really good feeling about this cycle but I don't want to get crushed if it didn't happen. I also have found it interesting that my husband is having a harder time emotionally with this cycle than he has had before, usually he seems pretty unplugged from things. It's kind of nice to know that he is effected by all of this too.

How do you handle the tww and the emotions that go along with it?

our 4th and hopefull last IUI!

I went in yesterday morning for my 4th IUI and it went amazingly well. My first 2 had been slightly painful and my 3rd was torture due to the use of a tenaculum so I was beyond anxious when we got to the Dr's office. Since it was Sunday we were in the care of the Dr. on call who was not my normal Dr. she helped me relax and got the catheter in on the first try, I didn't even feel it! She told me "ok, we are all done" and I said "with what? the whole thing?!" haha, it was fantastic! I walked out of the office and was able to function totally normally for the first time which was great since yesterday was also my brother in law's graduation from seminary which we had to attend in the afternoon.

I am very optimistic, although trying not to get my hopes up too high, because things have so far worked out so perfectly this cycle... from my egg quality to the fact that the insemination happened at a perfect time of day for us and on a weekend so that we didn't have to deal with work schedules and NO PAIN!

Will keep everyone posted!

a LONG day...

Went into the Dr. for a follicle scan yesterday at 11:30 had two measuring 21mm and 24mm and one 18mm, the I had to wait til 1 pm to meet with the Dr. She decided to trigger me yesterday afternoon. So after my 1pm appt I had to wait until 3pm to pick up my shot at the pharmacy and then go back to the Dr. It was a much longer day than I planned but was worth it. I will go in on Sunday for my IUI and I have a great feeling about this one!

seems like everyone else is getting pregnant.

Just found out that one of our friends who is also my husbands co worker is pregnant with her 3rd child. My husbands sister in law is also expecting as well as two other co workers and a co worker whose wife just gave birth a few days ago. I'm really trying to stay positive and be happy for everyone but it's really hard... honestly I'm super jealous and a little bitter. It was bad enough when we found out that my husbands brother had knocked up his girlfriend of about a month (now his wife) she already has 1 kid, they are on food stamps and can barely afford to live but feel like they are ready and capable of bringing another life into this world. His co worker who just announced her pregnancy is in a similar boat, not on welfare or anything but they were struggling bad with the two kids they had. It really pisses me off that my husband and I can provide a great life for a child but we aren't having any luck and we are having to spend A LOT of money to try and have a baby where as other people in our life can just go and do it whether they should or not.

ugh, I'm done whining... just had to get it out.

a re accuring dream

I have my first folicle scan since I started Clomid scheduled for Friday, I'm a little nervous to see how the meds have worked and I'm hoping that they haven't worked too well or they will cancel my IUI. I think all of this has my brain doing wacky things, I keep having this dream that I find out I'm pregnant with triplets. My husband keeps having the same dream, which I call a nightmare because in his dream they are triplet boys. We would love to have twins because that would be an instant family, especially if we were lucky enough to have a boy/girl set but I am not up for having more than two at one time.

interesting info from a friend

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine and the topic of fertility treatments came up and she said that her Dr. had told her that Ibuprofin can actually prohibit eggs from emplanting correctly. I googled this and found a bunch of articles that said the exact same thing! who knew! I don't typically take advil except during my pregnancy but now will be switching to tylenol.

Has anyone else heard about this?

on the war path...

So I just took my last dose of Clomid yesterday, Overall I didn't have many side effects except for a hot flash or two and the mood swings. Those mood swings caught me totally off guard, it was like I would just snap into bitch mode! I feel bad for my husband apparently the 3rd night on Clomid I cursed him out because he brought his computer to bed and the light from the screen was keeping me up, I have no memory of this occurring but it was a funny story. I told him that this is what he has to deal with because he doesn't have to go thru all of the physical stuff related to getting pregnant and being pregnant.

finally getting somewhere...

I had a great Dr's appointment yesterday afternoon. Went in for a CD3 follicle scan and everything looked good, no cysts. Met with my Dr. and voiced my concern with not ovulating last month and being 6 days late this month and told her that we were not on board with just trying naturally again. She put me on 50mg Clomid for 5 days, I will go in for my first scan on CD12 to see how everything is looking. She did warn me though that if my body goes crazy and produces more than 3 follicles that she will cancel the cycle, I told her that if should wouldn't cancel it in that situation that I would be worried about her ethics as a Dr.

I took my first dose last night and felt a little weird but who knows if that was the medication or something else. I feel much more positive about things now hoping that Clomid will give me that extra boost to get pregnant.

My fertility experience so far...

Like I said in my intro post, my husband and I started the process of TTC via IUI about 6 months ago. Since I just started this blog I feel like I should post what I have gone through so far in this process.

We have gone through 3 cycles of natural IUI (unmedicated with no monitoring), my Dr. said that she didn't think meds were necessary since I'm still considered young and am very regular. After the 3rd unsuccessful IUI I had an HSG test done which came back normal, a follicle scan which also came back normal and a progesterone test which came back low. I had the progesterone test 2 weeks ago, and because of the low level and the fact that I surged 2 days later than I normally have been my Dr. things that I didn't ovulate. I was also almost a week late starting this current cycle (CD3 today) I'm scheduled to go in this afternoon for another follicle scan.

A little about my first 3 IUI's...

IUI #1 was more painful than I expected, I got a HUGE cramp when they inserted the catheter and felt crummy for a couple of hours. I was pretty sure it wouldn't take since I haven't heard of anyone who has gotten pregnant off of their first IUI, especially a natural one. I was surprised by how upset I was when I got a BFN 11 days later.

IUI #2 went really smoothly, almost no discomfort at all... I totally over analyzed this cycle though and was convinced that I was pregnant so once again I was really upset when I got another BFN.

IUI #3 made me question if I could do this again, my Dr. had to use a tenaculum which I think was designed by Satan himself. That was a kind of pain that I have NEVER experienced in my life, I don't think I could have gotten through it without my husband.. he let me squeeze the life out of his hand and wiped away my tears. I was pretty much out of commission for the rest of the day after that IUI. When I got the BFN and then my period the next day I had a little bit of a meltdown. My husband and I agreed that we wouldn't try another cycle til I had some testing done (this is what we are in the process of doing now)

I have been doing a lot of reading since I went into the Dr. after my 3rd attempt and am now a little concerned that more wasn't done to check my fertility before we started this process, especially since the cost involved with donor sperm is quite high. Luckily so far most of our medical costs have been covered by insurance. As I said before, we are going into the Dr. today for another follicle scan and then to meet with the Dr. I am going in prepared with a bunch of questions and we plan to tell her that we are looking to become more aggressive with our treatments. If she is not on board then we are also prepared to seek a second opinion on what can be done for us. I am actually looking forward today and hoping to get some answers!

A little about me.

First I would like to say that this is my first attempt at blogging so please bear with me! My husband suggested that I might want to try blogging to be able to get all of my feelings out in a neutral and fairly anonymous way.

I figure I should start by telling a little about myself... I am in my late 20's and live in Texas. I will be keeping this blog as anonymous as possible for the time being due to my husband and my situation and because you never know who will stumble upon this.

My husband and I have been trying for the past 6 months to fulfill our dream of having children, my husband is unable to produce sperm so we are using a donor and going though IUI (more to come on this later). I knew when I met him that he was unable to have biological children so having to start fertility treatments was something I was prepared for since we started talking about having kids, I was not however prepared for the roller coaster of a journey that is the infertility process. This blog is specifically about my journey and is the outlet that up until now I did not have.

I hope you enjoy reading!